(41 Weeks)
The most challenging – frustrating, sad, overwhelming, disorienting – time in my life was when parents were aging, and my daughter was very young. They had retired and moved to the East End of Long Island in 1988 when I was 23. They were fiercely independent and never asked much of me. They were also very good at taking care of each other.
Summer 2005 they moved back to New Jersey to be closer to us and be able to spend more time with their only grandchild. My dad was 84. Mom was 78. My daughter was 5. I had just started a job as the CEO of a small non-profit with a lot of challenges of its own. My dad’s health took a nosedive not long after the move and he was gone 15 months later. Mom would be around, but never the same, for another five and a half years.
During that time, I learned some valuable lessons.
Prepare.
Sit down and talk to your parents (or other aging relatives whose affairs may become your responsibly). Make sure all the important stuff has been taken care of like wills, medical directives, and powers of attorney. Make sure that in setting up those documents, they work with an estate attorney who can also set up financial vehicles that will allow them to protect assets and have their own plan on how they will be used when they’re gone.
I know this is a very difficult subject. While it took a lot for me to bring it up with my parents, their “it’s none of your business; we’ve got it all taken care of” made it more problematic. And guess what? They didn’t have it taken care of. And ultimately, after my father’s death, my mother spent down what was left of their savings on long-term care. This is where generations need to work together to preserve family assets and make one another aware of their wishes.
My parents did a great job of decluttering, but I would say too good. Things that brought me joy – an album of all the photos my dad sent home during WWII and a personal letter from Jackie Robinson to my grandfather (which I had framed) – were somehow “lost” in one of their moves. While I’m sure there is highly personal things that we should all dispose of before our loved ones find them (my 85-year-old Aunt’s vibrator for example), how much more joy could there be if a family goes through some things together? And maybe that will open the door for a conversation about other arrangements.
People with dementia must have round the clock assistance.
It’s okay to move mom or dad into a facility designed to meet their medical and cognitive needs without feeling guilty. Recognize your limitations and understand that there are trained professionals who can provide good care.
The last four years of my mom’s life she was in assisted living, progressing to nursing home care. I felt bad that I couldn’t care for her myself, but knew I was in over my head. Trying to juggle a full-time job, commuting, and managing my family and her affairs brought stress to the level of toxic as it was.
I had originally moved her into my home, but without someone around 24/7, I feared for her safety. Keeping her in our home with a nurse/companion during the day would have been ideal, but for a variety of reasons that wasn’t going to work for us either.
Remember it’s not your money.
It’s your parents’ money. They earned. It should be spent on them. And much as you may need the money and feel entitled to it, it’s not yours. Preparing with your parents can help assure that their money is spent as they intended, such as paying for their grandchild’s college education for example, but in the end if all their assets need to be spent on long term care, it’s being spent on them, as it should be.
It sucks when you no longer have your parent’s support – financial or otherwise – but you’re an adult, your finances are your responsibility and no one else’s.
Practice self-care.
You are stressed, overwhelmed, and grieving. Self-care is so important for you, too. After my dad died, I put way too much into caring for my mom – for YEARS! My own health suffered. Take some time away every day, especially if your elderly relative is living with you. Most importantly, make sure you have some help so you can just do the stuff you must do like grocery shopping and laundry. But also make time to do the things you want to do – working out, hobbies, go take a walk. Do whatever your go-to is for peace and solace. Also don’t underestimate the power of therapy or just coffee with your bestie.
Did you really think this wasn’t going to include a fundraiser? It’s me. Of course it is! Over the course of these 60 weeks, I am hoping to raise $6000 for the children of Mercy Home for Boys & Girls (that’s just $100 a week!). To learn more about Mercy Home and my why, please visit my fundraising page. Thank you.
